12 Distancing Strategies Love Avoidants Use To Evade Intimacy

By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction | Attachment Specialist, author with over 15 years of experience.

Growing up, the Love Avoidant (those with an avoidant attachment style) developed defensive coping mechanisms to protect the self from a controlling, demanding, and/or needy parent(s) … In adulthood, these defensive patterns remain active in driving behavioral choices in close relationships (e.g., evading intimacy and connection).

Such defensive patterns are what I refer to as Distancing Strategies-- a form of emotional distance in a relationship. It is somewhat paradoxical that their partners often obsessively pursue romantic love with individuals (a Love Avoidant) who regularly display emotional withdrawal to avoid what love addicts want most—intimate contact.

Initially, a Love Avoidant will seem very eager to connect with their partner, usually an individual with an anxious attachment and/or love addiction— triggering an illusion that they have finally found “one-of-a-kind.”

But once hooked, and the relationship unfolds and progresses, the Love Avoidant flip-flops, seemingly changing into an entirely different person. Instead of displaying a desire to connect, he/she emotionally disengages, becoming cold, unavailable, and unreliable.

In a short time, the message seems to be, “I want you, but go away.” This leaves the Love Addict baffled and asking, “What the hell happened?”

Love Avoidance is a form of insecure attachment

When someone has an avoidant attachment style, they tend to prioritize independence and self-reliance, while also carrying a deep fear of intimacy—such as closeness, vulnerability, and being truly known—alongside an underlying fear of abandonment.

This attachment style usually forms in childhood, where the person learned that too much closeness was unsafe.

There’s a good reason why those with an anxious attachment style struggle to feel truly close in their relationships: Since, for an Avoidant, one of their chief objectives in romantic relationships is often to evade intimacy at all costs! 

For avoidant individuals, intimacy and vulnerability can feel like being engulfed, suffocated, and controlled.

Too much closeness can literally feel like a loss of self—and yes, for some, it can even feel like dying (suffocating). That’s how intense their fear of intimacy can be.

As a result, in romantic relationships, they often focus on keeping emotional distance and intimacy at arms length in a relationship. This doesn’t make them “bad” or broken—it reflects the defenses of an avoidant attachment style.

A Love Avoidant does not embrace intimacy — but embraces ‘defying it.’

The Love Avoidant partner may send just enough mixed messages to keep the fantasy alive—just enough to give you some hint of what “might be possible,” “could be possible,” or “would be possible.”

Yet the reality is that what is possible will never actually be. Any sporadic “crumbs” of connection you get are as much as you will ever get with an avoidant, with the caveat that if they are willing to work on coming closer and perhaps seek counseling individually or as a couple, it's possible to form a healthier, more satisfying connection.

How does the Avoidant display distancing behaviors—or emotionally deactivate from the relationship?

According to researchers, avoidants distance themselves from romantic partners by using various “deactivating strategies” in relationships. These deactivating behaviors are what I call - The "Anti-Intimacy" Tool Box for the Avoidant

They consciously or unconsciously deny their need for attachment and connection. They are compulsively self-reliant and feel a deep need to keep others at arm’s length to preserve a sense of autonomy and independence.

Deactivating or Distancing Strategies are tactical behaviors and attitudes that elude and squelch intimate connection.

Although Love Avoidants have a need and desire to seek closeness in relationships (a hidden truth behind their mask)— they make an intensive effort to repress these needs (learned coping defensives from childhood). Distancing Strategies are the tools used to incapacitate and suppress these needs.

The following are some of the most common distancing strategies they use in romantic relationships.

12 Common Distancing (Deactivating) Behaviors a Love Avoidant Uses to Evade Intimacy

Examine the following list of Distancing Strategies (whether single or in a relationship) that Avoidants often use to avoid an intimate connection in a relationship. The more you experience your partner utilizing one or more of these tactics, the less fulfilled and alone you will likely feel in your relationship.

1. Avoiding physical closeness—avoiding sex or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; walking ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered.
2. Refusal to commit—makes assorted statements to shun commitment to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships,” all while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years.
3. Avoids verbalizing “I love you”—avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."
4. Sabotages when things are going well—when a relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way (e.g., starts arguments, suddenly acts angry, becomes passive-aggressive, doesn't keep agreements, becomes controlling or reactive, creates unnecessary drama).
5. Cheats or has affairs — Establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates a relationship with unavailable people (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).
6. Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicates — Refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve or negotiate conflicts; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs; rebuffs sharing internal or external stressors.
7. Criticizes or devalues — Partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on flaws; belittles or mocks (e.g., how the partner talks, dresses, eats, etc.); blames partner for issues; shows resentment and negative attitude, even toward traits once appreciated.
8. Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend) — Talks or thinks about a past partner with craving or nostalgia; idealizes the ex while ignoring imperfections. May dream of a "perfect partner" somewhere out there.
   * This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidant's mind, it justifies: “I’m okay, my current partner is the problem.” It’s a way to emotionally distance while appearing capable of love — don’t fall for it. Dreaming about an ex or an ideal partner doesn’t equal emotional availability.
9. Flirting with others — Leads on, flirts, teases, or entertains others with little concern for their partner’s feelings. This sends a message: “I’m always looking for someone better.” It’s emotionally abusive and creates insecurity. As the saying goes, “Flirting is the art of keeping distance at a safe distance.”
10. Emotionally “checks out” of relationship — Spends excessive time away; shows disinterest in partner’s life or feelings; rarely initiates or sustains conversations; ignores caring gestures; gives the impression of indifference or emotional neglect.
11. Keeps secrets — Withholds information (e.g., finances, whereabouts, relationships); communicates in unclear or vague ways; avoids openness with partner or even close friends/family. This stems from an ingrained desire for independence.
    * Healthy relationships require inter-dependency — a balance of autonomy and closeness. Too much independence can destroy intimacy.
12. Focus is outside/away from the relationship — Regularly diverts time and energy elsewhere (e.g., work, hobbies, other relationships); may engage in addictions (e.g., porn, drugs, gambling). This is a tactic to avoid intimacy and connection within the relationship.

Avoidance is NOT love. True love does not evade. It turns toward and embraces connection.

A quintessential Love Avoidant maintains emotional and mental distance from their partner. They feel overwhelmed by closeness and fear vulnerability, relying on distancing strategies to cope.

To the Avoidant, these strategies seem effective for self-protection, but they can destroy the foundation of love and connection.

Distancing strategies don’t foster intimacy — they block it.

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The fear of intimacy in Love Avoidants is pervasive. They fear genuine love and connection — vulnerability is their enemy.

The more the Love Addict pursues connection, the more the Avoidant pulls away. If you step back, they may seem to come forward — only to distance again when you return. This is the unhealthy pursuit-distance cycle.

No matter how much effort you put into feeling valued or loved by a Love Avoidant, their fear will always push you away. They may even blame you for their discomfort — don’t accept this.
You're not the cause. Distancing can feel like rejection—but it’s often fear-driven. You don’t have the power to “make” them behave this way. Their attachment wounds existed before you.

You can’t rescue or change them. It’s not your responsibility. This is who they are, with or without you. None of their avoidant behavior is about you.

How to Deal With an Avoidant Partner: 8 Strategies to Navigate Emotional Distance

If you are currently in a relationship with an avoidant partner and you're anxiously attached and/or have love addiction patterns, their emotional withdrawal and deactivating strategies can leave you feeling lonely, confused, or even rejected. 

You can’t force them to change, but you can foster security by honoring your needs and encouraging healthier dynamics while protecting your emotional well-being.

Here are ways to cope:

1. Don’t Take Their Distancing Behaviors Personally

Understand where avoidant attachment fear of intimacy comes from- not you. Avoidant behavior originates from childhood attachment wounds, not your worth. Their distancing behaviors reflect their fear of intimacy and discomfort with closeness which often stems from childhood experiences with caregivers who were controlling, emotionally unavailable or rejecting. It's not about you being unlovable or "not enough."

2. Use "Name, Don’t Blame" Communication

Don't react with verbal attacks, blaming or shaming- this never works and will cause them to put up more emotional walls.

Replace accusations with curiosity:
 "It's really important to me that we can have open conversations, can we discuss..."
 "I miss feeling connected. What helps you feel safe when we’re close?"

This reduces defensiveness and invites dialogue.

You may wonder, how do you deal with an avoidant partner after a fight? 

• Give yourself and your partner space until both of you are calm.
• If you lashed out or crossed their boundaries, take responsibility and apologize (maturity).
• Take a few minutes to discuss how you can both better handle disagreements or conflicts before they escalate.
• See if you can meet each other halfway regarding the conflict, or agree to disagree, respectfully.

3. Express Needs Calmly (Without Pressure)

Your needs for connection and closeness matter. Communicating them to your partner is essential.

State your needs while acknowledging their struggle:
“I feel closest to you when we share emotions. I know it’s hard for you—can we explore small steps together?”

4. Stop Chasing—It Backfires

Pursuing an avoidant partner too intensely can cause them to withdraw even more. Resist the urge to fix, force, or “prove” your love. Instead, model emotional security by staying present, being straightforward, but self-contained. 

• Don’t over-function (e.g., giving excessive reassurance).
• Model secure behavior: Be present but self-contained.

5. Set Respectful Boundaries—Not Ultimatums

Example:
“I care about you, but I need more connection/emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled. Can we discuss ways to bridge this gap?”

6. Gently Suggest Therapy (Without Demands)

Frame it as growth-focused:
“I’ve heard attachment therapy helps couples improve and feel safer in relationships. Would you consider exploring that?”

7. Work on Your Own Attachment Style

If you tend toward anxious attachment, their avoidant behavior can be triggering. Use this as an opportunity to work on self-worth.

If you’re anxious:

• Practice self-validation (“My needs matter”; “I am enough”).
• Build emotional independence to reduce reactivity.
• Establish healthy boundaries and detachment.

8. Recognize When to Walk Away

Ask yourself:
Is my partner willing to grow, or am I enduring emotional starvation?
Am I staying out of love—or is it my fear of being alone?

Coping with an Avoidant Partner- Key Takeaway: Long-term emotional starvation can’t sustain a healthy relationship. You deserve reciprocity. If they refuse to address their avoidance, leaving may be the healthiest choice.

One more thing… Just because you felt intense chemistry or passion initially doesn’t mean it was love.

STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU ARE HARD TO LOVE & WILL NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

💛 Ready to Break Free from the Painful Pursuit of Unavailable Partners?

You don’t have to keep questioning your worth based on someone else’s fear of intimacy.

Real love is possible. Reclaim your voice, your heart, and your future.

I’ve helped hundreds of love addicts, anxious attachers, and emotionally exhausted partners step out of painful, anxious avoidant relationship cycles—and step into secure, fulfilling connections grounded in self-worth and clarity.

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