Love Avoidant Test
By Jim Hall, MS, LAH
How can you know if your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband might be a love avoidant?
If you are love addicted or insecurely attached, you probably tend to draw romantic partners who are love avoidant. There are sure signs, behaviors, and manners an avoidant partner will display in relationships.
The Love Avoidant Test (below) can help you determine if your relationship partner may be a love avoidant or leans towards having an avoidant attachment. * See also the Love Addict test
Take the love avoidant test by reading each statement and answering with a Yes or No.
Love Avoidant Test:
Partner Avoidant Assessment
© Copyright Jim Hall, MS | www.loveaddictionhelp.com
Circle either Yes or No to the following statements:
- My partner was great in the beginning (attentive, complimentary, caring, affectionate, etc.), but gradually became more distant/shut down/uncaring.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is often critical of me (belittling, condescending; points out flaws or imperfections, etc.).
Yes __ No __
- My partner walks away during disagreements/arguments; may go away to “explode”; may say to me, “Forget it; I don’t want to talk about it.”
Yes __ No __
- My partner is vague/unclear about what happened in his/her past relationships; or why a relationship ended.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is unsupportive/unsympathetic when I need him/her most.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is self-centered, arrogant, selfish, and/or narcissistic.
Yes __ No __
- My partner blames me when we have problems/difficulties in our relationship.
Yes __ No __
- My partner refuses to say, “I love you”, but tries to imply otherwise.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is compulsively focused away/outside our relationship (with work, hobbies, sports, internet, shopping, volunteering, time with friends/family, etc.).
Yes __ No __
- My partner is resistant to seeking outside help such as therapy/counseling (for him/herself; or the relationship); views seeking professional help as a weakness or waste of time.
Yes __ No __
- My partner evades physical closeness- such as holding hands, caressing, hugging, walking ahead, sleeps in a separate bed, etc.
Yes __ No __
- My partner wants to manage/control most aspects of our relationship (rigid view of how relationships should be; uncompromising rules).
Yes __ No __
- My partner will “show up” relationally, (becomes considerate, loving, attentive, etc.) – but ONLY when I emotionally/physically pull away, detach, or “give up”.
Yes __ No __
- My partner thinks only of his/her relationship needs/wants as important, yet discounts, or disregards my own.
Yes __ No __
- My partner withholds important information from me.
Yes __ No __
- My partner seldom makes his/her intentions clear, leaving me guessing as to what he/she is thinking or feeling.
Yes __ No __
- My partner creates problems/drama in the relationship when things seem to be going well.
Yes __ No __
- My partner has a secret life away from me in the relationship (hides parts of his/her life).
Yes __ No __
- My partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his/her behaviors that contribute to our relationship problems.
Yes __ No __
- My partner uses the “silent treatment” to control, create, or maintain emotional distance.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is frequently unwilling to talk about what is going on with us, relationally, as a couple.
Yes __ No __
- My partner asserts that, “I need to stop analyzing everything”.
Yes __ No __
- My partner complains that no matter what he/she does, it is never enough.
Yes __ No __
- My partner becomes angry/cynical/defensive, when I try to resolve a relationship issue; and/or communicate my own needs/wants (i.e., affection/intimacy, more time together, etc.).
Yes __ No __
- My partner denies or represses emotions rather than expresses them.
Yes __ No __
- My partner seldom displays appreciation and gratitude.
Yes __ No __
- My partner complains that I am too needy/sensitive/demanding.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is someone, in whom, I am not sure I truly know.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is hyper-focused on independence and self-reliance.
Yes __ No __
- My partner will say something to me, and later say he/she never said it.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is cold, indifferent, or distant to anything related to vulnerability/feelings.
Yes __ No __
- My partner keeps so busy that there is little to no relational time together.
Yes __ No __
- My partner seldom shares his/her relationship needs/wants/hopes.
Yes __ No __
- My partner lacks empathy and/or sympathy with me, and/or others.
Yes __ No __
- My partner idealizes/romanticizes a previous relationship/partner.
Yes __ No __
- My partner believes that taking care of me (by giving, providing, doing), is adequate proof that he/she loves me.
Yes __ No __
- My partner suggests that only he/she knows what should, or should not be done in our relationship.
Yes __ No __
- My partner sends mixed messages (i.e., “he says he loves me, but his actions say otherwise”; “she talks about our long-term future relationship together, yet refuses to commit”; “he’s warned me up front that he is a ‘bad boyfriend/not relationship material’, yet still sticks around”, etc.)
Yes __ No __
- My partner frequently wants to escape the relationship (wanting space or alone time).
Yes __ No __
- My partner rarely provides me reassurance that he/she is entirely dedicated/devoted to the long-term growth of our relationship; seems to have “one foot out of the door”.
Yes __ No __
- My partner believes that sharing/expressing feelings and emotions is a sign of weakness.
Yes __ No __
- My partner spends more time away from the relationship than seems normal.
Yes __ No __
- My partner evades intimacy/closeness with an addiction (drinking, drug use, gambling, porn, or other addictive behavior).
Yes __ No __
- My partner has had an affair or one-night-stand in the course of our relationship.
Yes __ No __
- My partner uses porn/masturbation to avoid intimacy, or escape from the pressures in the relationship.
Yes __ No __
- My partner commonly withholds sex.
Yes __ No __
- My partner may consider my needs/wants on a certain matter, and then soon after, disregard them.
Yes __ No __
- My partner is emotionally and/or physically abusive.
Yes __ No __
- My partner often eludes making specific plans or commitments (plans/commitments are often unclear).
Yes __ No __
- My partner seems unconcerned to whether I am happy/satisfied in our relationship.
Yes __ No __
* If you answered yes to at least three or more of these statements, your partner is likely Avoidant.
Keep in mind, there are varying degrees of Love Avoidance with an avoidant attachment style, so even if you do not answer yes to all (or a majority) of the questions, your partner can still be avoidantly attached.
If your relationship partner is avoidant it may not be that he or she is not into or love you-- it is most often about their fear of intimacy which may be why you feel something is off and aren't entirely satisfied. Read more about Love Avoidance in my articles/blog section.
About the Author: Jim Hall MS, is a Love Addiction Specialist, Online Recovery Coach, and Author of 3 Books on Insecure Addictive Relationships. With his online practice, Jim helps individuals break free from obsessive love patterns and offers tools and guidance to overcome the acute discomfort of love withdrawal caused by breaking up.
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