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Is Your Partner Love Avoidant?
Avoidant Partner Test

 

 By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Specialist

If you are love addicted-- you probably draw relationship partners who are Love Avoidant.



But how do you determine the likelihood that your relationship partner truly is avoidantly attached?


 

The following test will help you determine if your partner (current and/or previous) is Love Avoidant. Simply read each statement and answer with a Yes or No.

 


 

Test: Is My Partner a Love Avoidant?

© Copyright Jim Hall, MS | www.loveaddictionhelp.com
 


Circle either Yes or No to the following statements:
 

  1. My partner was great in the beginning (attentive, complimentary, caring, affectionate, etc.), but gradually became more distant/shut down/uncaring.
    Yes __ No __

     
  2. My partner is often critical of me (belittling, condescending; points out flaws or imperfections, etc.).
    Yes __ No __

     
  3. My partner walks away during disagreements/arguments; may go away to “explode”; may say to me, “Forget it; I don’t want to talk about it.”
    Yes __ No __

     
  4. My partner is vague/unclear about what happened in his/her past relationships; or why a relationship ended.
    Yes __ No __

     
  5. My partner is unsupportive/unsympathetic when I need him/her most.
    Yes __ No __

     
  6. My partner is self-centered, arrogant, selfish, and/or narcissistic.
    Yes __ No __

     
  7. My partner blames me when we have problems/difficulties in our relationship.
    Yes __ No __

     
  8. My partner refuses to say, “I love you”, but tries to imply otherwise.
    Yes __ No __

     
  9. My partner is compulsively focused away/outside our relationship (with work, hobbies, sports, internet, shopping, volunteering, time with friends/family, etc.).
    Yes __ No __

     
  10. My partner is resistant to seeking outside help such as therapy/counseling (for him/herself; or the relationship); views seeking professional help as a weakness or waste of time.
    Yes __ No __



     
  11. My partner evades physical closeness- such as holding hands, caressing, hugging, walking ahead, sleeps in a separate bed, etc.
    Yes __ No __

     
  12. My partner wants to manage/control most aspects of our relationship (rigid view of how relationships should be; uncompromising rules).
    Yes __ No __

     
  13. My partner will “show up” relationally, (becomes considerate, loving, attentive, etc.) – but ONLY when I emotionally/physically pull away, detach, or “give up”.
    Yes __ No __

     
  14. My partner thinks only of his/her relationship needs/wants as important, yet discounts, or disregards my own.
    Yes __ No __

     
  15. My partner withholds important information from me.
    Yes __ No __

     
  16. My partner seldom makes his/her intentions clear, leaving me guessing as to what he/she is thinking or feeling.
    Yes __ No __

     
  17. My partner creates problems/drama in the relationship when things seem to be going well.
    Yes __ No __

     
  18. My partner has a secret life away from me in the relationship (hides parts of his/her life).
    Yes __ No __

     
  19. My partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his/her behaviors that contribute to our relationship problems.
    Yes __ No __

     
  20. My partner uses the “silent treatment” to control, create, or maintain emotional distance.
    Yes __ No __



     
  21. My partner is frequently unwilling to talk about what is going on with us, relationally, as a couple.
    Yes __ No __

     
  22. My partner asserts that, “I need to stop analyzing everything”.
    Yes __ No __

     
  23. My partner complains that no matter what he/she does, it is never enough.
    Yes __ No __

     
  24. My partner becomes angry/cynical/defensive, when I try to resolve a relationship issue; and/or communicate my own needs/wants (i.e., affection/intimacy, more time together, etc.).
    Yes __ No __

     
  25. My partner denies or represses emotions rather than expresses them.
    Yes __ No __

     
  26. My partner seldom displays appreciation and gratitude.
    Yes __ No __

     
  27. My partner complains that I am too needy/sensitive/demanding.
    Yes __ No __

     
  28. My partner is someone, in whom, I am not sure I truly know.  
    Yes __ No __

     
  29. My partner is hyper-focused on independence and self-reliance.
    Yes __ No __

     
  30. My partner will say something to me, and later say he/she never said it.
    Yes __ No __



     
  31. My partner is cold, indifferent, or distant to anything related to vulnerability/feelings.
    Yes __ No __

     
  32. My partner keeps so busy that there is little to no relational time together.
    Yes __ No __

     
  33. My partner seldom shares his/her relationship needs/wants/hopes.
    Yes __ No __

     
  34. My partner lacks empathy and/or sympathy with me, and/or others.
    Yes __ No __

     
  35. My partner idealizes/romanticizes a previous relationship/partner.
    Yes __ No __

     
  36. My partner believes that taking care of me (by giving, providing, doing), is adequate proof that he/she loves me.
    Yes __ No __

     
  37. My partner suggests that only he/she knows what should, or should not be done in our relationship.
    Yes __ No __

     
  38. My partner sends mixed messages (i.e., “he says he loves me, but his actions say otherwise”; “she talks about our long-term future relationship together, yet refuses to commit”; “he’s warned me up front that he is a ‘bad boyfriend/not relationship material’, yet still sticks around”,  etc.)
    Yes __ No __

     
  39. My partner frequently wants to escape the relationship (wanting space or alone time).
    Yes __ No __

     
  40. My partner rarely provides me reassurance that he/she is entirely dedicated/devoted to the long-term growth of our relationship; seems to have “one foot out of the door”.
    Yes __ No __



     
  41. My partner believes that sharing/expressing feelings and emotions is a sign of weakness.
    Yes __ No __

     
  42. My partner spends more time away from the relationship than seems normal.
    Yes __ No __

     
  43. My partner evades intimacy/closeness with an addiction (drinking, drug use, gambling, porn, or other addictive behavior).
    Yes __ No __

     
  44. My partner has had an affair or one-night-stand in the course of our relationship.
    Yes __ No __

     
  45. My partner uses porn/masturbation to avoid intimacy, or escape from the pressures in the relationship.
    Yes __ No __

     
  46. My partner commonly withholds sex.
    Yes __ No __

     
  47. My partner may consider my needs/wants on a certain matter, and then soon after, disregard them.
    Yes __ No __

     
  48. My partner is emotionally and/or physically abusive.
    Yes __ No __

     
  49. My partner often eludes making specific plans or commitments (plans/commitments are often unclear).
    Yes __ No __

     
  50. My partner seems unconcerned to whether I am happy/satisfied in our relationship.
    Yes __ No __

     

 

If you answered yes to just three or more of these statements, your partner is likely Avoidant.  




* Keep in mind, there are varying degrees of Love Avoidance, so even if you do not answer yes to all (or a majority) of the questions, your partner can still have Love Avoidance. Moreover, some individuals may have a couple/few love avoidant indicators-- yet if secure traits, attitudes, and behaviors dominate the few avoidant indicators, this can often be enough to meet important relational/intimacy needs- or as some may say, fill your love bank.


 

About the Author: Jim Hall MS, is a Love Addiction Specialist, Online Recovery Coach, and Author of 3 Books on Love Addiction and Recovering. As an expert, through his writings and online recovery practice, Jim helps those struggling with love addiction discover a healthy path to break free from obsessive love patterns as well as support and guidance to overcome the acute discomfort of love withdrawal.


 

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