NO CONTACT RULE:
Moving on from the ex after a breakup
Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Specialist
Have you experienced a relationship breakup and trying to move on from an ex?
Healing from a breakup requires moving on by cutting all contact with an ex-partner-- this is especially true when your ex is a narcissist or avoidant.
The no contact rule is a crucial aspect of recovering and regaining your dignity and self-respect-- including putting a stop to obsessive thinking of an ex.
Healthy people who experience a relationship break up generally experience universal stages of grief such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. Eventually, they come to accept the loss and move forward.
For obsessive lovers or love addicts, moving on from a broken relationship with a love avoidant or narcissist literally feels like a dreadful insurmountable ordeal.
The agonizing feelings go beyond normal grief— as they are in withdrawal from the love addiction. Accepting the fantasy has crumbled, and moving forward seems unbearable.
And so it goes-- the only seemingly viable option for a love addict is to run from the pain by creating ANY form of contact with their ex-partner no matter how bad the relationship was. This is the sickness of love addiction.
If you are a love addict going through a breakup and are in withdrawal --- it is imperative to realize your healing begins with cutting your drug of choice (your ex) cold turkey - in spite of all the distortions and self-sabotaging voices going on in your mind.
Moving on from an ex starts with the No Contact Rule.
If you are in a breakup and have love addiction, cutting complete contact with your ex is a critical prerequisite to your recovery.
MAINTAINING CONTACT- ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR EX- KEEPS YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC JAM- IT GUARANTEES THE PAIN WILL CONTINUE...
IT IMMOBILIZES YOU MOVING FORWARD- IT PUTS TO A STANDSTILL THE CHANCE FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM YOUR LOVE ADDICTION.
If you truly want your sanity back, the pain to heal, and obsession to dissipate, you need to STOP acting out your addiction by breaking ANY, and ALL contact with your ex.
The No-Contact Rule is a strategy of detaching yourself 100% from your addiction/ex-partner both emotionally and physically--- at all costs.
Look at it this way--- it is like any other addict wanting to break from their addition.
It is equivalent to a drug addict choosing to totally break from their ecstasy, cocaine or heroin- or a recovering alcoholic no longer reaching for a shot of vodka, no longer going to bars or stopping at the local liquor store and doing it for the sake of the addicts sanity, wanting to get back their sense of self.
NO CONTACT AFTER A BREAKUP MEANS NO CONTACT, ANY CONTACT, PERIOD.
No Contact for means no more seeking that swig of the bottle or "hit" of heroin, except when you are addicted to love, your drug is your ex---- and detaching from the addiction with a knowing that if you do, it will always follow a poisonous and unhealthy outcome.
Like a heroin addict, you "hit the pipe" for each and every contact you have with your ex, and keep trapped in your addiction.
It means-- No texting, No calling, No Face booking, No emailing, No twittering, No triangular communication through a friend, No small talk, No nice talk, No how are you, No checking on his/her whereabouts, and No more excuses.
Committing to the No Contact Rule represents no longer choosing the same old destructive pattern-- no more fueling your ex-partners wants and needs while disregarding your own. And No Contact embodies no more settling for avoidance and/or narcissistic partners who lack the capacity to meet your needs (e.g., intimacy and closeness).
When your ex contacts you- what to do
If, or better yet when-- your ex-partner attempts to open the door by contacting you, urging you to bite for those tiny little crumbs which you have gobbled up for much-much too long-- you say NO, NO, NO, period!
You must refuse to get hoodwinked with his/her drama, self-pity, charm, charisma, seduction tactics, words or promises only to be hurt again and again. You cannot allow it.
When he/she attempts to call, text or email --- you must choose NOT to respond or answer. You say NO way, NO more--- STOP. You say it is over.
You hang up. You disconnect. You physically leave the scene. You detach. You say Good-bye.
You close the door tight. In fact, you forcefully slam the door shut and dead-bolt it ten times and throw away the keys.
When you keep the connection going contact -- you put yourself in a less than position - you put him/her on a false pedestal making him/her your higher power.
Your ex is not a God or Goddess. Knock him/her off that fictitious pedestal.
No Contact Rule is a healthy boundary to stay clear from the so you can move on.
The foundation of the No Contact Rule is about putting your personal wellbeing first-- through setting healthy boundaries.
The purpose of setting boundaries is to define your limits. Setting a healthy boundary signifies taking a stand for you, protecting yourself, and taking care of yourself.
No Contact is a boundary rule and is a critical aspect to your recovery and of freeing yourself from someone who was likely not good for you and breaking toxic relationship patterns.
No Contact is unequivocal and clear-cut with-- NO loopholes -- NO excuses.
How long should No Contact Rule last? Is it permanent?
Well, if the relationship has been obsessive and addictive; if the relationship was toxic, unhealthy, unsatisfying, or hurtful; and if your partner is narcissistic and/or avoidant, and verbally or physically abusive, disrespectful, manipulating and/or indifferent to your feelings, wants and needs— then absolutely!-- No Contact must be permanent.
Why go back to a relationship with an ex partner unable to contribute to your emotional wellbeing? You deserve much-much better my friend- seriously.
Moreover, the permanency is especially true if you are sick and tired of the pain of being so dependent on one person-- and truly desire an authentic, fulfilling relationship in your future. * If you have kids with your ex, permanent No Contact is likely, not possible- your kids need you.
Keeping the addiction going will surely keep you stay stuck in your obsession and love addiction. And for each and every contact made, you immediately go back to square one.
Every contact with your ex is equivalent to putting a knife into your chest — then pouring salt on the open wound, it hurts.
No Contact is not easy-- but it is an effective method for you to get over an ex
Let's be honest-- No Contact is definitely not easy or painless. Love addiction is bad in many ways.
The experience of withdrawing and cutting your ex off is an arduous consequence of having been in an addictive relationship.
It feels impossible. It can feel like torture. It can even feel like death.
It is no doubt the most difficult challenge in this beginning stage of recovery.
Yet, you must be assured, you can and will survive. It pays off in the end. If you act- there is light ahead.
All the twisted obsessions, distortions, and confusing thoughts want to convince you that you cannot live without your ex-partner; that he/she was your soul mate, the magical one. It is not reality. Do not believe it.
Understand this---all the irrational obsessive thoughts in your head are nothing but your addiction talking.
The voices of addiction are always full of deceitfulness, lies, and manipulations.
Get it in your head your ex toxic to you. Your ex is not the answer. Your value, worth and existence is not based on someone else.
Do not accept the falsehood that he/she is the answer to your problems- NOT true; never has been.
Discovering to honor who you are as a human being, honoring your personal wants and needs, and learning to love you is the answer to your problems.
Again, the longer you take the "hits" of contact, the more you feed the fix, and the longer you put your recovery at a complete standstill. So move forward wisely.
The No Contact Rule is a critical step to heal and get past the pain. Adhere to the No Contact Rule with a fighting attitude, and an acknowledgment, that you deserve better and are finished settling for less.
Draw a line in the sand, and declare to yourself, "No More"!
And once you do- reach out for support and leap the worthy path of recovery.
About the Author:
Jim Hall MS is a Love Addiction Specialist and Author of 3 Books on Love Addiction and Healing. Through his Online Recovery Practice and writings, Jim teaches those struggling with love addiction or anxious attachment styles how to heal and overcome unhealthy/insecure relationship patterns, and ultimately how to attain healthy fulfilling love in their lives.