Top 6 Signs of Avoidant Attachment (Love Avoidant)
By Jim Hall, MS
In insecure, addictive, or codependent relationships, the anxiously attached and/or love addict often attracts — and is attracted to — partners with specific traits.
The person I’m referring to has an avoidant attachment style (a “love avoidant”).
Like two magnetic forces, anxious and avoidant partners commonly form an unhealthy, often toxic relationship.
Below are six key signs of an avoidant attachment in relationships.
Signs of an Avoidant Attachment
1. Fear of Intimacy
In romantic relationships, evading intimacy and getting too close emotionally is the name of the game for a love avoidant.
Emotional intimacy is a vital component of healthy relationships. Intimacy involves allowing oneself to ‘be known.’
Intimacy is about trust, vulnerability, sharing one's true self, communicating wants and needs, and expressing genuine feelings and emotions.
When there is authentic love, intimacy is at the core of that love. Yet, intimacy and emotional closeness are the love avoidants' greatest fears.
Because of early childhood experiences, they learned to associate intimacy with engulfment, suffocation, and being controlled.
So the closer you try to get to your partner, their response is not to reciprocate but to distance and run.
Instead of healthy boundaries to protect their sense of space and themselves (something intimacy also requires), they use thick emotional walls that make intimate connection impossible.
They are emotionally like a turtle that repeatedly pulls into his/her rigid shell when one attempts to get too close and connect emotionally.
You may get occasional glimpses of his/her real self, openness, or vulnerability—only to see them retreat once again behind their walls.
Interestingly, a love avoidant with children does not fear emotionally connecting with their children. They feel safe and are not at risk of being known, vulnerable, and authentic with their children, since children are powerless and cannot abandon, reject, shame, or control them.
What's more, some love-avoidant parents can be too vulnerable and enmeshed—becoming overly dependent or love addicts in relation to their children.
2. “About-Face”
As your relationship progresses, you notice a complete change in your partner’s attitude. A "complete about-face" occurs.
Your partner is notably different from the person you first met. In the initial part of addictive relationships, the avoidant exhibits an illusion of intimacy, caring, and connection.
They form an immediate attachment while idealizing their romantic partner.
They come on strong and appear charming, strong, stimulating, caring, generous, and devoted (all seductive maneuvers).
Then the relationship moves forward, and soon enough, the true colors of the love-avoidant emerge. The charm, attention, and seductiveness go out the door—no more! The seemingly once-available “magical” person you fell for becomes cold, devaluing, and disengaged.
As a person who may be insecurely or anxiously attached or a love addict, you first cannot put a finger on what is happening, but you can feel it, and the shift in your partner is anxiety-provoking.
You say to yourself or friends/family, “He/she was so thoughtful initially; where is the person I first met? I’m baffled. What am I doing wrong?" You may make excuses and even blame yourself for the change you see in your partner.
Invariably, you try to give more, do more, be more romantic, or attempt to make things as they were. There is a pursuit of keeping the love relationship fantasy alive to recreate the euphoria experienced at the beginning of the relationship.
And the toxic relationship dance is in order. It is at this phase that a love avoidant is carrying out many of their strategies to avoid (3rd sign—next).
3. Distancing Strategies
You eventually feel a shift in your partner’s attitude. You sense your partner is not ‘showing up’ in the relationship.
And it is true—because a love avoidant is busy with their behavioral or emotional distancing strategies, which are used to impede closeness and squelch intimacy.
For example, the avoidant will compulsively focus outside the relationship.
Instead of seeking intensity in the relationship, they seek intensity outside the relationship with the use of various behaviors and distractions (i.e., staying very busy with activities, hobbies, internet, partying, gardening, gaming, playing sports, shopping, spending all their time volunteering, or much more time with friends or family, etc.).
Some will use the distancing strategy of “no commitment” and never fully commit to the relationship.
They may say, “I love you, I care about you, I want to be with you, but I’m not quite ready for a relationship.”
They may use the distancing tactic of avoiding ‘I love you’, and make excuses for why they do so.
They may avoid physical closeness (i.e., not wanting to have sex, or sharing the same bed, or avoiding touching or caressing; hugging, kissing, or holding hands; walking ahead of you or at a distance, etc.).
Another strategy commonly used to sabotage an intimate connection is creating a lot of drama in the relationship, such as starting arguments, constantly complaining about you, people, and the world, or grumbling about personal problems they never seem to resolve.
They may sabotage closeness by criticizing, judging, being condescending, being passive-aggressive, attacking, lying, making threats, and even being accommodating (in certain situations) without being honest.
A healthy, loving relationship is unattainable with a partner who uses strategies to avoid intimacy and closeness.
4. Addictions/Compulsions
A love avoidant often has an addiction problem that significantly affects their relationship. Addiction is the ultimate cocktail to focus far and away from intimately connecting with a relationship partner.
They can have any addiction, and there are many (both substance and behavioral) - gambling, drugs, alcohol, internet/computer, exercise, gaming addictions, and the list goes on. Many are sex or porn addicts.
Moreover, many are workaholics; that is, they are excessively busy and preoccupied with their jobs or careers (yes, work can be used as a drug to escape and certainly sabotage relational connections).
Additionally, more common than many realize, a love avoidant partner can be in a committed relationship (or married) and become extremely attached and obsessed with someone outside the relationship.
An addiction is a powerful method to escape from and sabotage an intimate connection in a relationship.
5. Narcissistic Traits
Love Avoidants are prone to narcissism (Reis, Huxley, Feng, & Grenyer, 2021). Not all are full-blown narcissists; however, the majority will almost certainly exhibit some traits of narcissism. A Narcissist may display two faces—the one they show in public and the one they reveal in close relationships, which is often less favorable. In public, they may appear friendly, confident, charming, outgoing, and social.
Only those close to the narcissist are aware that there is more to them than this superficial exterior. Behind their "nice", charismatic façade, they are often fragile, deeply insecure individuals who believe the world revolves around them and feel superior to their partner.
A key trait of narcissism is a sense of entitlement—they want what they want, when they want it. You can forget about your own needs—they don’t care. They believe their needs and wants are all that matter and expect you to feel the same. Don't expect your needs and wants to be met or even acknowledged. They expect you to anticipate their every desire, and if you don’t—beware!—they may lash out with anger and rage, striking back by devaluing and demeaning you as a person.
Examples of Narcissistic Avoidant Signs:
- Lack of empathy: cold/aloof during your difficult times.
Emotional support or understanding is minimal at best. Inability to identify with and understand your feelings; failure to recognize or care about what you are going through or experiencing; cold and aloof towards your feelings; displays an inability to be caring or compassionate through difficult times.
- No accountability: never at fault; twists facts; blame shifts.
When arguments or issues inevitably occur, he/she rarely feel accountable for being part of the problem. All relational troubles and predicaments are yours and yours only. They will never admit defeat. They have a selective memory of events and seldom take ownership of past (or present) behavior that seems imperfect or unpleasant. They twist the facts and, in so doing, make you the ‘crazy’ one for even suggesting they somehow had a part in any problematic matter.
- Grandiose: “better than” stance; needs admiration.
They are impracticable and idealistic in view of themselves. Their self-esteem seems high; however, it is false self-esteem as it is only gained by viewing others as “less than” and the self as “better than.” They comprise a brazen mental state that it is always and forever about him/her. They desperately need adulation, unconditional admiration, and attention, but only on a superficial level.
- Defensive: perceives boundaries or feedback as attacks.
If you don't prop them up on an overly high artificial pedestal, they often get offended, feel slighted, or become bitter. When you call them out, confront them on an issue, make an inappropriate comment, or set a boundary, or if you share a different view, opinion, or belief— they easily see it as a threat and consider it an attack on themselves. They may also become defensive and react with anger, revenge, power struggles, or passive-aggressive behavior.
* (You may also notice narcissistic behavior in relationships with others (family, friends, co-workers etc.)
6. Resistant to Help
Some Avoidant individuals can be resistant to change and are content with the status quo as long as they feel in control of things (no matter what they feel).
As a result, they will often refuse or resist help such as counseling, therapy, and treatment.
Seeking professional help from a therapist, counselor, or coach requires vulnerability, openness, honesty, and accountability.
In other words, it requires allowing oneself to be open to intimate connection (remember, intimacy is their greatest fear).
Essentially, for the same reasons that they run from intimacy and accountability within a romantic relationship, they strongly shun therapeutic help even if it could benefit themselves, their partner, and potentially the relationship.
If they do come in for treatment (often by being pulled in by their partner), they do so with emotional walls.
Their defenses will be up and will avoid and distract from areas of emotional discussions or issues of responsibility.
Even when gently confronted by a therapist, they will play a victim—act as the sufferer, make excuses, accuse, blame, and avoid any accountable part they have in relational challenges, thereby closing off any opportunity to create healthy change for themselves or in the relationship.
Key Insights on Love Avoidant Partners from a Relationship Recovery Coach
I often emphasize to clients that these avoidant partner signs don’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t love or care for you — their fear of emotional closeness and distancing behaviors usually comes from their own attachment insecurities and unresolved wounds.
However, these behaviors often reveal their capacity to love and give in a relationship and meet your vital needs for connection — whether it’s with you or someone else.
If you're in a relationship with an avoidant attachment or your partner shows avoidant or narcissistic traits, remember: their attitude, behaviors, and emotional unavailability are not about you.
You may have been clingy or overly accommodating at times. You may have made mistakes — we all do. But those are not the reasons they operate this way.
Long before you met them, they had the same attachment style, the same defensive patterns, and the same emotional walls. They entered your relationship with these patterns, and they will leave with them. Who they are is not your fault.
If you’re anxiously attached or identify as a love addict, having a happy, healthy relationship with someone avoidant is extremely challenging (and the reverse is true for avoidants with anxious partners).
This is often a painful truth to face — but it can also be the truth that sets you free. The reality is, an avoidant partner will only change if they are willing to look inward and do the hard work of healing… and you cannot rely on that happening.
Many love addicts and anxiously attached individuals are drawn into anxious-avoidant dynamics (or love addiction cycle) because the emotional push-pull feels familiar from early childhood experiences. Breaking this cycle means healing the root causes — doing the priceless work of recovery, building self-worth, and learning secure attachment.
Reference: Reis, S., Huxley, E., Eng Yong Feng, B., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2021). Pathological Narcissism and Emotional Responses to Rejection: The Impact of Adult Attachment. Frontiers in psychology, 12, 679168. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.679168
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- Key signs of avoidant behavior in relationships
- How avoidant patterns impact your connection
- Expert tips to navigate the anxious-avoidant dynamic without losing yourself