Is My Partner Avoidant? Quiz + How to Deal with Avoidant Attachment
By Jim Hall, MS
How can you tell if your partner- boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband is avoidant attachment? And how can you best deal with an avoidant partner?
If your relationship partner often pulls away when you seek closeness, they might be avoidant attachment - a pattern rooted in fear of intimacy, stemming from past experiences, such as childhood trauma, neglect, or a general lack of emotional connection growing up.
Individuals with avoidant attachment, also known as love avoidant, often send mixed signals: they may crave connection but panic when relationships deepen.
The quiz below can help you determine whether your partner is emotionally unavailable or has avoidant attachment. If so, you will receive essential steps on how to deal with an avoidant partner.
Is My Partner Avoidant - Quiz
Circle either Yes or No to the following statements:
- My partner was great initially (attentive, complimentary, caring, affectionate, etc.), but gradually became more distant, shut down, and uncaring.
Yes __ No __ - My partner often criticizes me (belittling, condescending, pointing out flaws or imperfections, etc.).
Yes __ No __ - My partner walks away during disagreements or arguments, might step away to vent, or may refuse to discuss it.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is vague or unclear about what happened in his/her past relationships or why a relationship ended.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is unsupportive and unsympathetic when I need them most.
Yes __ No __ - My partner sometimes seems to be self-centered, arrogant, selfish, and/or narcissistic.
Yes __ No __ - My partner blames me when we encounter problems or difficulties in our relationship.
Yes __ No __ - My partner refuses to say, “I love you”, but tries to imply otherwise.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is often compulsively focused outside our relationship (on work, hobbies, sports, gaming, surfing the Internet, shopping, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, etc.).
Yes __ No __ - My partner is resistant to seeking outside help, such as therapy/counseling (for him/herself; or the relationship); views seeking professional help as a weakness or waste of time.
Yes __ No __ - My partner avoids physical closeness, such as holding hands, caressing, hugging, walking ahead, sleeping in a separate bed, etc.
Yes __ No __ - My partner wants to manage/control most aspects of our relationship (rigid view of how relationships should be; uncompromising rules).
Yes __ No __ - My partner may “show up” relationally (becoming considerate, loving, attentive, etc.) – but ONLY after I emotionally/physically pull away, detach, or “give up."
Yes __ No __ - My partner only considers his/her relationship needs and wants as essential, while discounting or disregarding my own.
Yes __ No __ - My partner withholds important information from me.
Yes __ No __ - My partner seldom makes their intentions clear, leaving me guessing as to what they are thinking or feeling.
Yes __ No __ - My partner often puts up walls or creates problems and drama when things seem to be going well.
Yes __ No __ - My partner seems to have a secret life separate from me in our relationship (they hide parts of their life).
Yes __ No __ - My partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his/her behaviors that contribute to our relationship problems.
Yes __ No __ - My partner uses the “silent treatment” to control, create, or maintain emotional distance.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is often unwilling to discuss our relationship issues.
Yes __ No __ - My partner asserts that “I need to stop analyzing everything.”
Yes __ No ___ - My partner complains that "no matter what he/she does, it is never enough."
Yes __ No ___ - My partner becomes angry, cynical, and defensive when I express my own needs and wants (e.g., affection, intimacy, more time together).
Yes __ No __ - My partner tends to deny or repress emotions rather than express them.
Yes __ No __ - My partner seldom displays appreciation and gratitude.
Yes __ No __ - My partner complains that I am too needy, sensitive, or demanding.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is someone whom I am not sure I truly know.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is hyper-focused on independence and self-reliance.
Yes __ No __ - My partner sometimes says something to me and later claims they never said it, which is a form of gaslighting.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is cold, indifferent, or distant to anything related to vulnerability or feelings.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is so busy that there is little to no time for relational activities.
Yes __ No __ - My partner seldom shares their relationship needs, wants, or hopes.
Yes __ No __ - My partner lacks empathy and/or sympathy with me and/or others.
Yes __ No __ - My partner idealizes/romanticizes a previous relationship/partner.
Yes __ No __ - My partner believes that taking care of me (by providing and doing), is adequate proof that he/she loves me.
Yes __ No __ - My partner suggests that only he or she knows what should or should not be done in our relationship.
Yes __ No __ - My partner often sends mixed messages (i.e., “he says he loves me, but his actions say otherwise; she talks about our long-term future relationship together, yet refuses to commit; “he’s warned me up front that he is a ‘bad boyfriend/not relationship material’, yet still sticks around”, etc.)
Yes __ No __ - My partner frequently wants to escape the relationship (wanting space or alone time).
Yes __ No __ - My partner rarely provides me with reassurance that he/she is entirely dedicated to the long-term growth of our relationship; he/she seems to have “one foot out of the door.”
Yes __ No __ - My partner believes that sharing or expressing feelings and emotions is a sign of weakness.
Yes __ No __ - My partner spends more time away from the relationship than seems normal.
Yes __ No __ - My partner evades intimacy/closeness with an addiction (drinking, drug use, gambling, porn, or other addictive behavior).
Yes __ No __ - My partner has had an affair or a one-night stand in the course of our relationship.
Yes __ No __ - My partner uses porn/masturbation to avoid intimacy, or escape from the pressures in the relationship.
Yes __ No __ - My partner commonly withholds sex.
Yes __ No __ - My partner may consider my needs and wants regarding a specific matter and then disregard them soon after.
Yes __ No __ - My partner is emotionally and/or physically abusive.
Yes __ No __ - My partner often eludes making specific plans or commitments (plans and commitments are frequently vague).
Yes __ No __ - My partner seems unconcerned about whether I am happy or satisfied in our relationship.
Yes __ No __
* If you answered yes to at least five of these statements, your partner likely leans toward having an Insecure Avoidant Attachment Style.
How to Deal with an Avoidant Attachment Partner
If your partner is avoidant, here are five essential steps to help you effectively navigate your relationship with them.
1. Understand Avoidant Behavior:
Take time to learn about avoidant attachment styles to understand their patterns. For example, they often fear intimacy and have difficulty expressing emotions. This understanding can help you reframe your perceptions and reduce frustration.
2. Don’t Take It Personally
Avoidants often distance themselves due to deep-seated fears of intimacy, not because of you. Remind yourself that their behavior is about their attachment style, not your worth.
3. Give Them Space (Without Pulling Away Completely)
Avoidants need breathing room. Giving them space when needed can help them feel safer, potentially lessening their emotional walls. Pressuring or demanding closeness can trigger more of their avoidant tendencies. Instead, maintain a steady presence while respecting their boundaries.
4. Communicate Clearly & Calmly
Avoidants may shut down during emotional conversations. Use respectful, non-confrontational language (e.g., "I noticed you seem distant lately—can we talk when you’re ready?").
5. Focus on Your Own Emotional Needs
Avoidants can’t always meet your attachment needs, particularly if you've had love addiction or anxious attachment. Take care of some of your needs outside the relationship. Build a support system (friends, hobbies, therapy) so you’re not overly dependent on them for validation.
6. Decide if This Relationship Works for You
Ask yourself: Can I accept this dynamic long-term? If their avoidant behaviors cause you chronic dissatisfaction or pain, consider whether staying is healthy for you. If this is a concern, consider therapy (individual or couples).
Final Tip:
Don't lose yourself waiting for them to change- they may not. And remember, an avoidant's emotional walls or distancing tendencies are not about you.
Ultimately, while these relationships can be successful, they require a great deal of self-awareness, mutual respect, and effort to overcome the unhealthy patterns that may arise.
Are You in a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner and Need Guidance?
If you're in a relationship with a love avoidant or emotionally unavailable partner and feel confused, hurt, or stuck, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Empower yourself with Love Addiction & Attachment Coaching, which offers the guidance, tools, and insights you need to move forward with strength.
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Related reading:
12 Distancing Strategies the Love Avoidant Uses To Evade Intimacy