How Do I Stop Obsessing Over My Ex? - 11 Expert-Backed Strategies

Uncover why you're obsessed with an ex and discover vital methods that will help you stop the constant ruminating after a breakup, clear your mind, and finally start moving forward in peace.

June 16th, 2025

By Jim Hall, MS, Relationship Recovery Expert

Can’t stop thinking about your ex? Obsessing over an ex after a breakup can be very distressing and painful—and it can dominate your thoughts, feelings, and everyday life. Whether you're dealing with rejection, ghosting, or an emotionally unavailable ex, the obsessive cycle can feel unending and impossible to break. But as I often say, obsessive thoughts can be deceptive.

This article will teach you 11 expert-backed ways to stop obsessing over your ex, clear your mind, and start getting your peace back.

Article Key Takeaways:

1. Signs You’re Obsessing Over an Ex:

• - Constantly checking their social media.
• - Daydreaming about good moments together.
• - Having strong emotional reactions when you see or hear about them.
• - Feeling like you're in all the pain, they're happy and moving on.

 2. Why You Feel Powerless to Stop Thinking About Him/Her:

• - Emotional attachment and unresolved feelings.
• - Nostalgia and a tendency to remember only the good times.
• - Difficulty moving on due to unmet expectations or closure.
• - Feeling like you were the reason the relationship failed.

3. How to Stop Obsessive Ex Thoughts and Let Go:

• - Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself time to heal.
• - Reality checking the relationship- remembering "Did this relationship enhance me—or deplete me?"
• - Cut contact with your ex & distance yourself from triggers/reminders of the relationship.
• - Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor for support.

What Being Obsessed With An Ex Can Look Like:

• "She was 'perfect' in our first six months. I'm consumed with getting that version of her back—obsessing over what went wrong and why she suddenly flipped and now treats me like the enemy."
• "I was so obsessed with my ex that I created a fake Facebook account just to stalk him. I friended his new girlfriend so I could see their photos and updates. I kept the account active until they broke up—nine months later. It was so painful and only fueled the toxic attachment I had."
• "In every relationship, I get completely consumed by the guy. He becomes my entire focus, and I’ll do anything to keep him—even if he's toxic or treats me badly."
• "I dated someone for just two weeks. When he ended it, I completely crumbled under the pain and rejection. Since then, I’ve been stalking him, calling and texting obsessively. I can’t get him out of my head."
• "Since the breakup, I can’t stop thinking about my ex—what he’s doing, who he’s with, what he’s thinking. It’s nonstop, and it’s exhausting."
• "The preoccupation with her is relentless. I keep picturing her being the perfect partner—just not with me, but with her new boyfriend. That thought alone is killing me."

When you're obsessed with your ex:

When you're obsessed with your ex, you will typically encounter excessive, persistent thoughts or images that may intensify to the point of compulsions (behaviors that go against your best interests).

People can get obsessed with almost anyone, even someone they have never met. In this article, however, we are addressing those obsessed with an ex or even any romantic interest—typically an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband or ex-wife, crush, and often an ex-partner who was love avoidant and/or a narcissist.

14 Signs You're Stuck Obsessing Over Your Ex

If you're constantly thinking about your ex and struggling to move on, you may be experiencing obsessive attachment. Below are some of the most common signs and symptoms of obsessing over an ex after a breakup:

🔹 1. You constantly ruminate about the relationship
You replay conversations, events, and "what-ifs" on a loop.

🔹 2. You overthink everything and neglect other areas of life
Daily responsibilities take a back seat to obsessive thoughts.

🔹 3. You talk about your ex constantly
They dominate your conversations, even when others try to change the subject.

🔹 4. You feel addicted to the person
Your attachment feels more like a compulsion than a connection.

🔹 5. You’re filled with anxiety, confusion, or despair
Your emotions are unpredictable and overwhelming.

🔹 6. Your thoughts feel uncontrollable
You experience "crazed" thoughts that seem unending or intrusive.

🔹 7. You fantasize about a future that doesn’t exist
You fixate on what could have been or hope they'll come back changed.

🔹 8. You obsess over your ex’s new relationship
You imagine your ex being the partner you wanted—with someone else.

🔹 9. You mistake obsession for true love
You assume the intensity means they were “the one.”

🔹 10. You believe it's a soul-mate or spiritual connection
You romanticize the bond, even if the relationship was unhealthy.

🔹 11. You ignore or minimize red flags
You excuse their behavior or rewrite the past to protect the fantasy.

🔹 12. You behave in impulsive or self-defeating ways
You might overshare, send desperate messages, or act out emotionally.

🔹 13. You can’t focus, eat, or sleep
Your physical health is affected by the emotional toll.

🔹 14. You withdraw from friends and family
You isolate yourself, prioritizing thoughts of your ex over your support system.

If you’re experiencing several of these signs, it’s a strong indication that your attachment system is activated—or that you may be caught in a cycle of love addiction. This can feel overwhelming, but you're not broken—and you're not alone.

In the next sections, we’ll explore why this happens and what it means. After that, you’ll be guided through 11 powerful tools to help you stop obsessing over your ex and begin truly letting go.

Obsessive Thoughts, Emotional Triggers, and the Trap of Fantasy Obsession

Ongoing obsessive thoughts and rumination over an ex or past relationship can be deeply distressing. Love obsession is often linked to jealousy, control, anxiety, and self-defeating behavior. Painful emotions like shame, guilt, regret, betrayal, envy, and anger tend to fuel this obsessive mental loop, making it even harder to break free.

But not all obsessions feel negative at first.

Some may feel euphoric—especially in the early stages of infatuation or rebound relationships. You might find yourself thinking, “I’m completely consumed with my new boyfriend,” or fantasizing about a perfect future with someone you barely know. These emotional highs can feel intoxicating, even blissful. But what’s actually happening is something I call fantasy obsession.

Fantasy obsessions involve idealizing a person or relationship—projecting your unmet emotional needs onto someone else. Instead of seeing the relationship for what it is, you're caught up in what it could be, should be, or might one day become. This illusion creates a dopamine-fueled rush that mimics real intimacy but lacks true connection. And when reality falls short of the fantasy, it often leads to emotional crashes, disillusionment, or obsessive spirals.

Fantasy-based thinking is common in love addiction and anxious attachment patterns. It’s one of the brain’s ways of escaping emotional pain—but it keeps you stuck in cycles of longing, overthinking, and disappointment. Learn all about Love Addiction

Obsessing Over a Person Is Common at the Start of a Relationship

It’s completely normal to feel obsessed with a love interest in the early stages of a new relationship. Science shows that many people experience a honeymoon phase marked by emotional highs, constant thoughts of their partner, and a strong desire to be together.

You might feel euphoric when you receive a call or text, and you may find yourself thinking of little else. This is often referred to as feeling “love-struck.”

But once the initial infatuation fades, most people naturally transition into the attachment phase of love—a calmer, more secure bond based on trust, respect, and emotional connection. Learn more here.

Obsessive Lovers Don’t Make That Transition

For people prone to obsessive love, the shift from infatuation to stable attachment doesn’t happen. Instead, the obsession intensifies. Their thoughts revolve around the relationship and the person, fluctuating with every perceived emotional high or low.

This is where love obsession becomes unhealthy—and it’s not true love. It’s an emotional dependency that can create distress and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Obsessing Over an Ex Often Intensifies After Rejection

Rejection is one of the most powerful triggers for obsession. Preoccupation and intrusive thoughts often peak when someone feels rejected—whether that rejection is real or imagined.

Two situations that often intensify obsessive thoughts:

1. When a partner becomes emotionally distant or stops reciprocating love (common with avoidant or narcissistic partners).
2. When a relationship ends, regardless of how long it lasted (breakup, divorce, ghosting, etc.).

Some people develop obsessive attachments to narcissistic or love avoidant partners—both of whom tend to reject emotional closeness and intimacy. These dynamics often leave the obsessed partner feeling emotionally abandoned, triggering further preoccupation, anxiety, and distress.

Learn more about love avoidants →
See common distancing strategies →

Obsessing Over an Ex After a Breakup or Divorce

The most intense form of obsession often arises after the relationship ends. Whether the separation was mutual or one-sided, the feeling of emotional loss and disconnection can create an overwhelming mental loop.

For those with anxious or love-addicted tendencies, breakups can trigger what’s known as love withdrawal—a painful emotional and physical response similar to substance withdrawal. Read more about love withdrawal →

In rare but serious cases, pathological obsessive love can lead to dangerous or violent behavior when the fixated individual is rejected or abandoned. Learn about pathological obsession →

What Can You Do to Deal With Obsessive Thoughts About an Ex?

If you’re stuck in a cycle of ex obsession, it’s time to prioritize your healing. Letting go of obsessive thinking isn’t easy—but it’s possible, and absolutely worth it.

Whether you’re obsessed with an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, or ex-wife, the following “break the obsession” techniques can help you find clarity, peace, and freedom. 

How Do You Stop Obsessing Over an Ex

1. Acknolwedge & Acceptance
   Acknowledge that you're obsessing over your ex and that it's a problem that needs attention. Accept this is what you are experiencing. This isn’t weakness—it’s the first powerful step toward change.
   Action Tip: Say this to yourself:

   "I am obsessed with this person. It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility to heal—and I will. This painful experience is temporary"

2. Knock Them Off the Pedestal
   Obsessive thinking often involves idealizing your ex. Remind yourself: no one is perfect, and the relationship had flaws.
   Visualization: Picture them shrinking into a tiny box and disappearing completely. You’re taking back your power.
3. Go No Contact
   Break the cycle by eliminating all contact—calls, texts, stalking their social media, even re-reading messages. No contact isn't easy, but it is the fastest way to regain clarity.
   Learn more about the No Contact Rule →
4. Break the “If Only...” Loop
   “If only I had done ___, we’d still be together.” These thoughts keep you stuck in shame and regret.
   Journaling Prompt: Write down your “if only” thoughts. Then challenge them: Were they true? Would they have changed anything?
5. Reality Check the Relationship
   Make two lists: one of the positive moments, one of the pain points. Compare them honestly.
   Ask yourself: “Did this relationship uplift me—or drain me?”
6. Stop the Self-Shaming
   Self-blame intensifies obsession. Replace inner criticism with compassion.
   Affirmations:
   • “I am doing the best I can.”
   • “I deserve love and healing.”
   • “My worth is not tied to this person.”
7. Distraction = Action
   Fill your time with healthy activities to reset your brain.
   Ideas: Join a class, exercise, volunteer, cook something new, organize your space—anything positive and engaging.
8. Rubber Band Thought-Stopping Tool
   A simple technique to break obsessive loops:
   Wear a rubber band on your wrist. When the thought strikes, gently snap it and say “STOP”—then replace the thought with a positive affirmation.
9. Surrender the Obsession
   Fighting intrusive thoughts can make them stronger. Instead, allow them to float in—and then float away.
   Use the Serenity Prayer:

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
   The courage to change the things I can,
   And the wisdom to know the difference.

10. Find Supportive Outlets
    You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to someone who can offer perspective and support.
    Options: Trusted friends, therapists, love attachment coaches, or support groups (like LAA, CoDA, or SLAA)- see Recovery Resources.
11. Redirect the Obsession
    Replace your ex with a healthier obsession—something that builds you.
    Ideas:
    • Your physical health (movement, nutrition)
    • Your goals, passions, or spirituality
    • Journaling about red flags or what you’ve learned

Love obsession is painful, but you can break free.

Final Thoughts

Obsessing over an ex doesn’t mean it was true love. And it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re human—and you’re healing.

Be patient with yourself. These tools work when used consistently. Change takes effort, but every step you take moves you forward.

Important: If the obsession persists, consider professional help (counseling, coaching, group therapy). Seeking help is an act of strength and self-care, not weakness. You are worth it.