No Contact Rule After a Breakup: Why It Works and How to Do It
By Jim Hall, MS
If you're dealing with a breakup and struggling to move on from an ex—especially one who is avoidant or narcissistic—the No Contact Rule may be the single most powerful step you can take for your healing and emotional freedom.
This guide explains what No Contact is, why it’s crucial, and how to successfully commit to it—even when it feels impossible.
Article Summary:
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Understanding the No Contact Rule
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Why No Contact is Crucial to Healing a Breakup
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How to do No Contact: Strategies and Tools
Healing from a breakup requires moving on by cutting all contact with an ex-partner-- this is especially true when your ex is a narcissist or avoidant.
How do you cut contact with an ex-partner? By committing to the No Contact Rule.
What is the No Contact Rule?
No Contact is an action taken after a breakup of removing yourself physically and psychologically from an ex-partner or person you’ve had a relationship with.
The No Contact Rule means:
- No texting your ex
- No calling
- No emailing
- No twittering
- No messaging
- No small talk
- No nice talk
- No, how are you?
- No arguing
- No drive-byes
- No sex
- No checking on his/her whereabouts
- No triangular communication through a friend or family member
- No checking your ex's social media (or friends connected to your ex)
- No Contact is NO More EXCUSES to engage with an ex-partner
The Primary Purpose of the No Contact Rule is to Heal
The No Contact Rule is about self-care. Keeping in contact with your ex will only fuel the grief and pain. No contact rule will speed up the healing process.
With the No Contact Rule, you decide to no longer see, meet with, text, call, email, or message the ex, in any way possible, after a breakup.
It is a self-care strategy of detaching yourself 100% from an unhealthy attachment--- at all costs.
Having no contact is about setting boundaries with your ex and protecting yourself. It's about shutting the door and locking it, even when you've reached closure. Usually, the kind of closure you may desire is not possible if an ex-partner has been emotionally unavailable and/or is a narcissist.
The No Contact Rule is a tactical balancing act between taking back control, removing the person from your life, and maintaining your sanity.
Look at it this way--- no contact is similar to any other addict who desires to break from their addiction of choice.
It is equivalent to a drug addict choosing to break free from cocaine or heroin- or a recovering alcoholic no longer reaching for a shot of vodka, no longer going to bars or stopping by the local liquor store-- and detaching from the toxic substance for the sake of the addict's sanity, and desire to get back their life and sense of self.
The No Contact Rule is a crucial aspect of recovering and regaining your dignity and self-respect-- including putting a stop to obsessive thinking of an ex.
Healthy people who experience a relationship breakup generally experience universal stages of grief such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. Eventually, they come to accept the loss and move forward.
The No Contact Rule is especially vital to make use of if you are have an anxious attachment style or feel addicted to your ex.
For obsessive lovers (love addicts) and many who have an anxious attachment style, moving on from a breakup with an ex avoidant or narcissist can often feels like a dreadful, insurmountable ordeal.
It's essential to keep this in mind: If you are addicted to your ex, you will likely feel more distressed when first applying the No Contact Rule. You may experience agonizing feelings that seem to go beyond normal grief— and this is because of love withdrawal from the love addiction.
As the fantasy of your ex is crumbling, moving forward can seem unbearable, and the only seemingly viable option to stop the pain is by creating ANY form of contact or communication with your ex-partner, no matter how bad the relationship was. It is the power of a love-addicted attachment.
Still, in spite of all the distortions and self-sabotaging obsessions going on in your mind, it is imperative to realize your healing begins with cutting your drug of choice (your ex) cold turkey utilizing the No Contact Rule.
Not Applying the No Contact Rule
When we feel hopelessly obsessed with an ex-partner, cutting complete contact with the ex is a critical prerequisite to healing.
MAINTAINING CONTACT- ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR EX- KEEPS YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC JAM- IT GUARANTEES THE PAIN WILL CONTINUE...
IT IMMOBILIZES YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD- IT PUTS YOU AT A STANDSTILL. IT SABOTAGES THE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM YOUR LOVE ADDICTION AND OBSESSIVE ATTACHMENT.
If you truly want your sanity back, for the pain to heal, and for obsession to dissipate, you need to STOP acting out your addiction by breaking ANY, and ALL contact with your ex.
NO CONTACT AFTER A BREAKUP MEANS NO CONTACT, ANY CONTACT, PERIOD.
No Contact means no more seeking that swig of the bottle or "hit" of heroin, except when you are addicted to love, your drug is your ex---- and detaching from the addiction or obsession with a knowing that if you do, it will always follow with a poisonous and unhealthy outcome.
Like a heroin addict, you "hit the pipe" for each and every contact you have with your ex, and keep trapped in your addiction.
Committing to the No Contact Rule
Committing to the No Contact Rule represents no longer choosing the same old destructive pattern-- no more fueling your ex-partner's wants and needs while disregarding your own.
It embodies no more settling for avoidance and/or narcissistic partners who lack the capacity to meet your needs (e.g., intimacy and closeness).
What if your ex contacts you while you're in No Contact?
If, or better yet, when your ex-partner attempts to open the door by contacting you, urging you to bite for those tiny little crumbs which you have gobbled up for much too long-- you say NO, NO, NO, period!
You must refuse to get hoodwinked by his/her drama, self-pity, charm, charisma, seduction tactics, words, or promises only to be hurt again and again. You cannot allow it.
When he/she attempts to call, text or email --- you must choose NOT to respond or answer. You say NO way, NO more--- STOP. You say it is over.
You hang up. You disconnect. You physically leave the scene. You detach. You say goodbye and close the door tight... BYE!
In fact, you forcefully slam the door shut, deadbolt it ten times, and throw away the keys.
When you keep the connection going contact -- you put yourself in a less than position - you put him/her on a false pedestal making him/her your higher power.
Your ex is not a God or Goddess. Knock him/her off that fictitious pedestal. Your effort will pay off down the road.
The No Contact Rule is about taking care of yourself; it's about setting a healthy boundary so you can move forward in a better direction in your life.
The foundation of the No Contact Rule is about prioritizing your personal well-being by setting healthy boundaries, which signifies taking a stand for yourself and protecting yourself.
No Contact is a boundary rule and is a critical aspect of freeing yourself from someone who was likely not good for you-- see Signs of Avoidance.
No Contact rule is unequivocal and clear-cut with-- NO loopholes -- NO excuses.
How long should you stick with the No Contact Rule? Is it permanent?
How long you stick with No Contact depends.
If the relationship has caused distress and anxiety, if it has been obsessive or addictive; if the relationship was toxic, unhealthy, unsatisfying, or hurtful; and your partner is narcissistic and/or avoidant, or perhaps verbally or physically abusive, disrespectful, manipulating and/or indifferent to your feelings, wants and needs— then absolutely, No Contact must be ongoing and permanent.
Why go back to a relationship with an ex-partner unable to contribute to your emotional well-being? You deserve much, much better, my friend- seriously.
Moreover, permanency is especially true if you are sick and tired of the pain of being so dependent on one person-- and truly desire an authentic, fulfilling relationship in your future. * If you have kids with your ex, permanent No Contact is likely, not possible- your kids need you.
Keeping the addiction going will surely keep you stay stuck in your obsession and love addiction. And for each and every contact made, you immediately go back to square one.
Every contact with your ex is equivalent to putting a knife into your chest, then pouring salt on the open wound; it hurts.
No Contact Rule is not easy
Let's be honest-- No Contact is definitely not easy or painless. Having an emotional romantic attachment or being obsessed with someone you've had a relationship with has consequences.
The experience of withdrawing and cutting your ex off is an arduous consequence of having been in an addictive relationship.
It can feel impossible. It can feel like torture. It can even feel like death. It can undoubtedly be the most difficult challenge at this early stage of recovery for many.
Yet, you must be assured, you can and will survive. It pays off in the end. If you act- there is light ahead.
All the twisted obsessions, distortions, and confusing thoughts want to convince you that you cannot live without your ex-partner; that he/she was your soul mate, the magical one. It is not reality. Do not believe it.
Understand this---all the irrational, obsessive thoughts in your head are nothing but your anxious attachment and/or love addiction talking.
The voices of addiction are always full of deceitfulness, lies, and manipulations.
Get it in your head that your ex is toxic to you. Your ex is not the answer. Your value, worth, and existence are not based on someone else. You will be okay.
Do not accept the falsehood that he/she is the answer to your problems- NOT true; never has been.
Discovering to honor who you are as a human being, honoring your personal wants and needs, and learning to love you is the answer to your problems.
Again, the longer you take the "hits" of contact, the more you feed the fix, and the longer you put your recovery at a complete standstill. So move forward wisely.
The No Contact Rule is a crucial step in healing and moving past the pain. Adhere to the No Contact Rule with a fighting attitude, and an acknowledgment that you deserve better and are finished settling for less.
Draw a line in the sand, and declare to yourself, "No More"! And once you do- leap the worthy path of recovery.
No Contact Rule Tips and Strategies
Moving forward on a healthy path is not possible after a breakup when contact with an ex continues. Having a plan to stick with the No Contact Rule can significantly help.
A plan allows you to better take care of yourself during this time, Here are a few tips:
Here are some tips and methods to follow to help you succeed with No Contact:
- Set this boundary with your ex: Make it clear to your ex (if necessary)—that you must no longer have contact, all, or any form of communication (this is for your good). Your ex must know if he/she expects to keep the contact going. Whether you text or message them or tell them face to face, do it and don’t put it off.
- Get Support: No Contact from an ex is not easy for most; it is hard and often painful. Support is crucial. Be sure to have friends and family- ready to call- and ask for their support (let them know the situation). Try finding one particular person who can respectfully hold you accountable to this commitment of no more contact.
- Get involved with a recovery or relationship support group. In 12-step recovery groups, many people will understand what you are going through. Check to see if any of these are near you – CODA, ACDF, ACOA, SLAA -- some of these also offer online phone support groups. Also, sign up for my newsletter to learn the future dates of my next online recovery groups.
- Plan each week: Have goals and activities planned throughout each week- a few healthy suggestions might include:
- Spend time at a park; take a walk.
- Plan to go to a movie theatre by yourself or with a friend.
- Get involved with some hobbies you love or use to enjoy.
- Attend a play or concert, read, go shopping, take a class.
- Go to a place like Starbucks and relax with a cup of Java.
- Pamper yourself with a massage, manicure, buy yourself a gift, get your hair done, or get a cut, etc.
- Pray, go to church (if you are religious or spiritual).
- Do affirmations (positive self-talk) - this is a great way to start rewiring your brain and eliminate the negative self-talk.
- Reaffirm daily the reasons why your ex-partner is bad for your health and well-being.
- Go to a comedy (or watch a comedy).
- Remind yourself that the urge to see your ex DOES NOT mean it is love (get him or her off the pedestal).
- Remind yourself that you are not going crazy. The withdrawal from the relationship may sometimes make you feel that way, but you are not.
- Remind yourself that the desperate craving and yearning for contact are created by the fantasy. Very few people change who they are- I know this may be difficult to accept—but it is true (especially narcissists).
- Engage in deep breathing exercises, meditate, and/or use acupuncture for relaxation and stress relief; these practices are excellent for managing stress and anxiety, and are often utilized in recovery treatment centers.
- Journal about your feelings.
- When obsessive thinking feels like it's getting out of hand, go to this page to make use of the tools here-- how to overcome love-obsessed thoughts
During No Contact, It Might Feel You Need Your Ex To Breathe, Survive, and Feel Alive – The reality Is You Don’t- Though You Might Feel This Way, the Truth IS You Don’t Need Him/Her One Bit. Read Love Withdrawal.
Remember everything you do to take care of your well-being is the act of SELF-LOVE, SELF-RESPECT, and the No Contact Rule is part of the act of self-care. If you need further support and advice- consider therapy and/or working with me, learn about my Relationship/Love Addiction Coaching Services.