It Was Never About You: Healing After Narcissistic Abuse or an Avoidant Relationship

Author: Jim Hall, MS

Was it me? Could I have done something differently?

These are the haunting questions many survivors of narcissistic abuse or those in relationships with emotionally unavailable or avoidant partners carry long after the relationship ends.

The truth? Their behavior was never about you. It wasn’t your fault. And it’s time to stop carrying the blame.

Key Takeaways: Why Narcissistic Abuse or Avoidance Was Never About You

• You could have done everything “perfect,” and it wouldn’t have changed their behavior.
• Narcissists and avoidants act from their wounds—not your worth.
• Healing starts with radical acceptance (they are who they are), not self-blame.

The grief and heartache aren’t just over your partner—it’s what you've made up about what happened in the relationship. And this is where healing must begin: by realizing that their behavior was never about you.

Let’s be clear: You were never at fault for who they were. No amount of patience, empathy, or perfection would have made them love you better or show up differently. Their behavior is rooted in their own emotional wounds—not your worth. It never was about you.

You did the best you could, given the person you were dealing with. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. Likewise, an avoidant partner will not suddenly stop fearing closeness or pushing away intimacy and vulnerability just because you love harder.

The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.

Why You Blame Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse or Avoidance

After a toxic relationship with someone emotionally distant or narcissistic, self-blame is common. You might obsess over questions for yourself:

• What if I hadn’t said that?
• What if I’d said this instead?
• Maybe I was too emotional... too sensitive...
• If only I were more patient, less needy, more accommodating…

But such insidious thoughts are simply untrue.

The truth is painful and liberating: you could have done everything perfectly, and it still wouldn’t have been enough. Why? Because they were never ready or willing to meet you on an emotional level. They themselves have unresolved issues. They view intimate connection as a threat, not a gift.

Their love was conditional (often requiring constant adulation, especially from a narcissist), their empathy impaired, and their intimacy stunted. No amount of perfection, giving, doing, or saying on your part could make them become emotionally safe or capable of secure love. They are responsible for healing their own wounds, not you.

Understanding Avoidants and Narcissists

While avoidant and narcissistic individuals differ in psychological makeup, they often leave a similar emotional wound—especially for those with anxious attachment or love addiction:

• Avoidants shut down intimacy to protect themselves, driven by a fear of connection. They often appear cold, aloof, or emotionally distant. When closeness triggers discomfort—when you try to connect or resolve conflict—they evade connection, retreat, or stonewall, leaving their partner feeling rejected and desperate to fix the disconnect.
• Narcissists, on the other hand, are often emotionally exploitative. They center relationships around their needs. They crave control and admiration. The narcissist abuses by ongoing gaslighting, blame-shifting, and invalidating you to maintain power. Love feels conditional, leaving you exhausted and confused.

The common thread: both patterns aren't about your worth—they're about their insecure attachment trauma and dysfunctional coping strategies. They'll continue their patterns with anyone else.

You Can’t Love a Narcissist or Avoidant Into Changing

“Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes…”

This metaphor acknowledges the reality that some people are wired by early trauma, ego defenses, or personality disorders to behave in deeply hurtful ways. And these patterns are typically immune to your love, effort, sacrifice, or goodness. No matter how much you try:

• You can’t appease someone out of emotional detachment.
• You can’t love someone into self-awareness.
• You can’t fix a heart that’s guarded by ego and denial.
• You can’t love someone into empathy if they’re committed to control.

Your love, sacrifice, and effort cannot heal their trauma or emotional fears—nor is it your responsibility to do so. Change occurs only when they take responsibility and commit to professional support—and most don’t. The Storm Is Theirs—Not Yours

What Should You Have Done Differently?

Do you often ruminate on, “Was I the cause of my narcissistic partner's abuse?” or “Was it about my worth that my partner was too emotionally unavailable?” “What should I have done differently?” Answer: No, No, and Nothing.

Relationships with emotionally abusive or neglectful partners often create self-doubt and imply, “It’s all your fault,” to deflect accountability and control. The more you doubted yourself, the more you tolerated their behavior. That’s how these dynamics continue.

This may be one of the most challenging truths to accept—and one of the most healing: You did not cause their wounds, you did not cause their patterns, and you cannot cure them.

True healing comes from letting go of the illusion of control.

How to Heal After a Narcissistic or Avoidant Relationship

Radical Acceptance: The First Step

Healing begins with radical acceptance:

• They are who they are.
• You were always worthy of love that feels safe and mutual.
• Their wounds were never your responsibility.
• You cannot love them enough to change (No one can).

This is not about excusing them—but reclaiming your power by refusing to carry blame that never belonged to you.

Moving Forward With Self-Compassion

If you still carry pain or anger, release the burden of shame through self-compassion.

You were not broken; you were hopeful. You were not weak; you were trying. You loved deeply—and that is something to be proud of.

Now, it’s time to love yourself more. Start by:

• Knowing your needs in a partnership.
• Learning to spot red flags early.
• Choosing partners who are capable of empathy and intimacy.
• Reinforce healthy boundaries, honor them, communicate your truth, and no game playing.
• Affirming your worth and value.

Affirmation:

“I am not responsible for someone else’s emotional limitations. I cannot heal someone by sacrificing myself. I am enough. I deserve safe, mutual love.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Does “love addiction” mean I just love too much?

No. Love addiction is not healthy love—it’s a compulsive pattern of seeking love or validation, often driven by attachment wounds.

Can a narcissist or avoidant partner change?

Change is possible, but rare without deep, sustained therapy. Your love or sacrifice will not make them change.

How do I know if I’m with an avoidant or a narcissist?

If you consistently feel invalidated or “not enough,” and notice patterns like stonewalling, gaslighting, or hot-and-cold behavior, these are red flags. Read Signs of a Love Avoidant.

Where can I find help?

Healing is possible. Consider therapy, support groups, or working with a relationship coach specializing in attachment recovery and narcissistic abuse.