Love Addiction Recovery: Setting Boundaries
by Jim Hall, Love Addiction Expert
In my book, the Love Addict in Love Addiction, I write a lot about the five core issues for love addicts - which fuel the pain and dysfunction in addictive and codependent relationships.
One of the core issues for those addicted to love is Impaired Boundaries - a problem all codependents face.
We all need boundaries to care for and protect ourselves. Healthy boundaries are crucial to satisfying relationships and personal well-being.
We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries.
If we don't let others know, we get used, manipulated, controlled, and give up important parts of ourselves. We must know we have a right to determine who, what, and where our boundaries stand.
Setting healthy boundaries is not making a threat or an attempt to manipulate or control. Setting a boundary is a part of defining who you are and what is acceptable to you.
What does setting boundaries mean for recovering love addicts
Setting boundaries means communicating clearly what we will accept from a person and what the consequences will be if the other person continues to violate our boundary.
Setting boundaries begins our recovery from the effects of our relationships with addicted, compulsive, and abusive people.
To grow and learn to empower ourselves, we need set limits on what we'll give to others and what we'll take from them. When to say no and when to say yes.
We need to let others know where our boundaries are and that we are serious about them. Then, we need to change our behavior accordingly, backing ourselves up with positive action.
By setting clear boundaries for what we allow and what we will accept from others, we begin to take back our lives from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems.
With healthy boundaries, we claim ownership and responsibility for ourselves.
We take hold of the power of boundaries when we begin acknowledging and accepting:
- It is OUR responsibility to let others know our limits to protect ourselves.
- Only WE are responsible for letting others know our limits.
- Only WE are in control of whether people violate our boundaries or not. When WE don't, WE choose to be the victim. we choose chaos... not anyone else.
When we fail to take responsibility to let others know our limits (or boundaries), we tend to blame, persecute, and offend others.
We are adults. As adults, we are responsible for what we allow to happen to us, what we let in, and what we accept from defective character traits and destructive behaviors of another person.
When we set boundaries with people, we need to know we are not responsible for another person's choices, feelings, or behaviors. We must not take ownership of their adult responsibilities.
Setting limits and asserting our boundaries with others doesn't mean narrow-mindedness, selfishness, or arrogance. It means refusing to allow ourselves harm. It means allowing ourselves to keep safe.
It means refusing to accept others who cannot or will not respect and honor who we are. It means accepting responsibility for our beliefs, feelings, and actions.
Asserting our boundaries means we are moving away from a common codependency and love addiction issue and moving towards taking care of ourselves, deservingly so, one day at a time.
