"Change occurs when one becomes what he/she is, not when he/she tries to become what he is not"
Love Addiction Recovery: Setting Boundaries
by Jim Hall, Love Addiction Expert
In my book, the Love Addict in Love Addiction, I write a lot about the five core issues-- the core issues for love addicts is what fuels the pain and dysfunction in addictive relationships. One of the core issues I explain is a love addicts Impaired Boundaries.
We need boundaries. Healthy boundaires are crucial to satisfying relationships and to self-care. We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries.
If we don't let them know, we get used, manipulated, controlled, and give up important parts of ourselves. We must know we have a right to determine who, what, where our boundaries stand.
Setting healthy boundaries is not making a threat or an attempt to manipulate or control. Setting a boundary is a part of defining who you are and what is acceptable to you.
Setting boundaries means communicating clearly what we will accept from a person and what the consequences will be if the other person continues to violate our boundary.
Setting boundaries begins our recovery from the effects of our relationships with addicted, compulsive, and abusive people. To grow and learn to empower ourselves, we need set limits on what we'll give to others and what we'll take from them.
We need to let others know where our boundaries are and that we are serious about them. Then, we need to change our behavior accordingly, backing ourselves up with positive action.
By setting clear boundaries on what we allow and what we will accept from others, we begin to take back our lives from being controlled by other peoples thoughts, feelings, and problems. With healthy boundaries, we claim ownership and responsibility for ourselves.
We take hold of the power of boundaries when we begin acknowledging and accepting:
When we fail to take responsibility to let others know our limits (or boundaries), we tend to blame, persecute, and offend others.
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