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Stopping Shaming Obsessive Thoughts


By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Coaching Specialist

Obsessive thinking is involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts or impulses that occur repeatedly in your mind. Being love addicted, you may experience distorted obsessive thoughts that are self-shaming.

These painful thoughts become triggered by certain events or circumstances occurring in relationships with a partner or ex-partner.  Love addiction withdrawal (withdrawing from an unhealthy addictive relationship) is often when love addicts have the most intense and painful obsessive shaming thoughts.

Obsessive shame-filled thinking occurs when you blame yourself inappropriately, put yourself down, criticize yourself, and even condemn yourself for feeling shame or even having feelings or emotions.

These thoughts may tell you how unlovable, unwholesome, and unworthy you are.

Of course, most if not all are irrational, false, and are lies. 

What can you do to start changing these distorted obsessive thoughts?

The following is a simple and powerful thought changing technique that will help you with obsessive shaming thoughts you may be having.



1) Identify your obsessive thoughts causing you discomfort or pain


Keep a pad and pencil on you… or type on a laptop, phone, or a tablet. When shaming obsessive thoughts occur, write them down.


2) Draw two columns on a Piece of Paper


On a piece of paper draw two columns. On the left side write down the thoughts you can identify are obsessive and self-shaming.

For example, ”It’s all my fault he/she treats me so mean”, “I’m so lonely I can’t take it", "I’ll never have a relationship with someone who loves me for me".


3) Anti-Shaming Thought Substitutions

Next, on the right-hand column next to the self-shaming obsession, write down a positive affirming statement that counteracts the lie or distortion.

Here is an Example:

Taking the obsessive thought I just mentioned, "I’ll never have a relationship with someone who loves me for me”, in the right-hand column next to the shaming obsession, write a substituted positive affirming statement (a few examples):

I love me for who I am
I deserve to love and honor my needs and wants me first and foremost
I will heal
I will recover from this unhealthy relationship
I will grow and learn the lessons I need to learn
I deserve to be loved for who I am
I deserve a fulfilling relationship with a person who is capable of loving me back.
I will be ok. I am safe; I am a valuable, amazing, lovable human being”.

This is a tool that is meant to do more than once.

Apply this tool as much as you need to. Go back later and reread what you wrote down. This will help you to see your obsessions and remind you of the healthy substituted thought; the more the better.

By applying this tool, you can begin to change your skewed self-shaming obsessive thinking and rewire your brain with more reality-based thoughts helping the obsessive thoughts lose all of their power.

About Author: Jim Hall MS, is a Love Addiction Specialist, Online Relationship Coach, and Author of 3 Books on Love Addiction and Recovering. As a leading relationship expert, Jim gives hope to those struggling with love addiction and insecure attachment styles-  offering quality guidance towards a healthy path to break obsessive love patterns and healing from love withdrawal caused by a breakup. - more about Jim