Hooked on Fantasy Relationships & How to Overcome ItBy Jim Hall MS, Love Addiction Recovery Specialist Can "Love" Be Fueled by Fantasy and Lead to Heartbreak? It Can, But Does It Have To?
Many of us have been there – feeling in love and obsessed and swept away by an enchanted version of someone or a picture-perfect relationship in our heads.
Whether in a fantasy relationship or getting out of one, this article will help you learn the essence of a fantasy relationship, recognize fantasy-driven love, and how to let go and move on to a wholesome reality and shift towards healthier relationships.
Article Summary: Fantasy vs Reality Relationships
How to Let Go and Move Ahead on a Healthy Path
Meaning of Fantasy Relationship
If you've ever felt like you were in love with the idea of someone, not the real person-- and were much more bonded with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation -- then you were likely in a fantasy relationship.
It's natural to envision the future and have hopes and expectations for how a relationship or a person could evolve.
However, when these expectations overshadow the reality of who the person truly is, it can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
In fantasy relationships an individual will enter a romantic relationship and idealize their partner, creating an unrealistic and exaggerated image of who they are.
They fall in love and become obsessed, intensely bound by an illusion, idealized scenarios, or a fairytale of future love with a romantic interest or partner.
Living in a fantasy world with a lover with whom they are so unhappy is recast in their minds into what they are sure they can become, indeed will become, with their help, love, and devotion.
Fantasy lovers see what they want to see, ignore reality, and get heedlessly attached to what they ‘make up’ about their partner in their heads rather than the person they are.
The fantasy sparks a potent emotional attachment to the fantasy-- often leading to becoming addicted to their idealistic version.
They get 'high' from their illusion, making it easy to ignore or brush aside potential realities (e.g., red flags: addictions, intimacy issues, personality disorder, dubious behaviors/attitudes).
Attached to their fantasy ignites a state of intense infatuation, obsession, and profound yearning that fuels the fantasy relationship.
Fantasy Love Example (brief):
When you find yourself proclaiming love and devotion to someone you've known briefly.
You haven't fallen in love with the person for who they are. Without conscious awareness, you've become attached to the fantasy.
There needed to be more time and experience together to know who the person is well enough.
Instead, you've objectified (unintentionally) them through who you wanted them to be in your mind, thus forming a fantasy bond.
The fantasy is addictive as it induces euphoria and makes you feel alive.
Once we get attached (fallen in love) to a fantasy of a person in a relationship-- Detaching from it is difficult and painful, and resistance is big.
A fantasy of a romantic partner is substituted for feelings of real love and intimacy.
It provides a sense of aliveness and euphoria and an escape from reality.
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FANTASY is an idea with no basis in reality and is the imagination unrestricted by reality. Denial fuels fantasy.
REALITY is the conjectured state of things as they exist rather than as they may appear or are imagined. In the broader definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether observable or comprehensible. It is what is seen, heard, and experienced, excluding any illusion or denial. |
1. Your Fantasy
Describe in as much detail as possible the fantasies you have made up about who your current or ex-romantic partner is (do some reflecting on this). Put another way, what was the narrative you created about who your partner is, would be, or could be for you in a relationship? (if you're unsure, do your best by describing your dreams, thoughts, and feelings about him/her that made you feel so euphoric).
2. Describe How Your Fantasy Was "Made Up"
Describe in as much detail as possible what in your mind has made this fantasy factual or accurate (what in your mind has created the fantasy). * Usually the fantasy starts early in the relationship and often it's how he or she initially came off but changed over some time.
3. Reality/Truth: Counter the Fantasies with what you observed and experienced (reality)
Review two and three (above) then describe the realities that go against the fantasy. Speak the truth. Be sternly honest with yourself. Is what you honestly observed and experienced with this person congruent or compatible with your fantasies? What is more realistic about who this person truly is? Describe.
After completing 1-3 of the exercise go back and read through what you wrote.-- complete the following:
- New Awareness: Describe any new awareness you have (if any) after completing the above exercise- for example, is your fantasy congruent with the actual person you became attached to?
- Negative Consequences: Describe the negative consequences you experienced for being in the relationship with your partner (in reality).
- Once more go back and read through the exercise as a whole.
An important note about this exercise:
For many fantasy-love addicts, going through this exercise brings relief and is very freeing. Yet at the same time detaching from a fantasy bond with a love object is often very painful- it is a real loss that we grieve.
As you heal, you may also experience some cognitive dissonance - encountering unpleasant feelings or distress caused by holding two beliefs or perceptions that conflict with each other, where your fantasy will try to sneak into your mind numerous times and blur reality.
For example, cognitive dissonance can look like this: your mind starts minimizing or forgetting all the deficient parts of your partner and relationship (reality), while ruminating on the fantasy, or focusing only on the 'captivating' times, such as periods your lover was attentive and treated you with care and respect-- often going back to the early phase of the relationship.
So, I encourage you to keep this exercise and return to it as often as necessary to continue reminding yourself of the reality of your love object and your real experience in the relationship.
B. Relationship Reality Journal (Exercise)
Directions:
Journal (write) on the following questions with a pen and paper (give yourself time as you work through the exercise).
This is another exercise to help reflect on reality vs your fantasy or -- what you experienced with him/her and how the overall experience in the relationship made you feel.
Did your fantasy play out in the actual relationship?
Did you consistently feel safe, happy, and content?
Describe what happened in the relationship. What is the reality of your partner? (reality is what you observe and experience, nothing less and nothing more).
The fantasy may have initially made you feel elated, but reality did not.
What hurts isn’t so much the loss of love but the loss of the fantasy.
Sometimes it can feel like the grief isn't worth it and it would be easier to go back and try again if possible.
Maybe you tell yourself, "I'm not thinking right. Maybe it's me. Maybe he/she can be the person I think they can." -- Don't buy into this thinking. It is the fantasy trying to take hold.
If you are thinking about returning to a fantasy relationship to relieve the hurt you are feeling. Stop. Take a deep breath.
Then do a deep dive and journal on the following question (be as specific as possible):
Is It Worth It?
What will be the consequences if I do?
Will my fantasy play out?
C. Additional recovery strategies, tips, and insights
Allow Yourself to Grieve:
Like any loss, losing a fantasy or a love interest brings up a grieving process. Yes, we grieve the loss of the fantasy.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through letting go of a fantasy relationship.
Tips for grieving the fantasy:
- Accept your feelings and allow yourself to grieve the fantasy.
- Cry if you must. Cry a whole lot if necessary.
- Know it is okay to feel what you feel.
- Talk about your feelings with trusted friends or family who are safe and non-judgmental.
- Journal about your feelings.
- Along with grieving, you may experience withdrawal (learn about this here- love withdrawal symptoms).
- Remind yourself that this is temporary (though it may not feel this way).
Cut Off Contact:
No contact is often essential to overcoming a fantasy relationship.
Remind yourself that your pain is understandable-- it is, but remaining in contact or returning to your ex-partner will not alleviate it.
Being around the person you created a fantasy around will make healing difficult. Staying connected in any matter will only trigger thoughts of the fantasy relationship.
In the long run, staying away is the only way to do this.
Commit to the no contact rule (learn more about the importance of No Contact).
Embrace The Art of Surrender:
Practice Surrendering to reality in all areas of your life- to people, places, and things as they are rather than how you may like them to be.
Surrender to the reality of who your partner is. Understand it was never about you-- Sorry, you don't have that much power to make a human being who they are!
Surrender is not a weakness or about giving up.
Surrendering is releasing control of which we have no control. When we try to control reality, we deny reality, which leads to feeling out of control and lost.
There is a reason why Surrendering is a prominent message in 12-step recovery groups.
Surrendering is healthy. It is about self-care. It is a mental perspective of courage and strength. It’s about letting go of things and circumstances we cannot control.
Self-Esteem and Becoming More Secure:
Work on growing your self-esteem—practice the skill to affirm and value yourself and treat yourself with unconditional respect, dignity, and love despite imperfections, insecurities, or challenges.
When I work with clients, one of the most important concepts I drive is the following (in short):
- You’re human.
- We’re all imperfect and make mistakes and face challenges.
- You have inherent worth. You were born precious. Nothings changed. You are worthy and valuable as you are.
- Learn to embrace your inherent value and preciousness.
Choose healthy ways of coping:
While self-care is always good practice, this is especially important when you are getting over a fantasy of a person.
Unfortunately, this is also a time when you may be vulnerable to giving into compulsions to cope by seeking immediate gratification, such as jumping into another relationship, sex, or alcohol, or withdrawing from the world.
So, to cope healthier, try to engage in what you know can eventually help you feel better: eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep, seek support, socialize, or engage in other activities you enjoy.
Managing obsessive fantasy thoughts
Obsessing and ruminating is a common symptom of a fantasy relationship.
And detaching from the fantasy may initially increase your obsessive thoughts.
They are typically irrational and can be profoundly anxiety-ridden.
Go to this page for methods and tools to manage romantic obsession thoughts.
Professional Help and Support
The initial stage of overcoming a fantasy relationship can be a very vulnerable time, and when we are at the most risk of cycling back and forth into the fantasy or finding someone else to form a new fantasy bond.
In some cases, letting go and moving on is possible to do on our own-- however, this route can be risky, as love/fantasy addicts are often very vulnerable to cycle back and forth into the fantasy and/or find someone else to replay the fantasy.
- Attending recovery support groups such as Love Addicts Anonymous can be very beneficial.
- Professional counseling or therapy can provide valuable support in breaking free from the fantasy cycle and promoting healthier relationships.
From my personal and professional experience, getting help and guidance from a professional who understands fantasy relationship or love addiction issues can be very effective and provide essential insight and tools (therapy, counseling, relationship coaching) - and possibly lead to a more speedy path to healing and crushing the fantasy.
Conclusion:
Healing from a fantasy relationship can be challenging, but it's absolutely possible and your recovery can lead to healthier connections and healthier you in the future.
Use this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you want from future relationships.
And Remember This:
- Healing takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and avoid rushing the process.
- You are not alone in this journey.
- This experience doesn't define your ability to have healthy relationships in the future. You now have valuable knowledge and a clearer understanding of your needs.
- With self-compassion, effort, and support, you can heal and build fulfilling relationships based on reality and mutual respect.
- Focus on building self-love and emotional security before entering new relationships.
Final point: The fantasy of "potential."
Some get attached to a love interest's "potential" and this becomes a big part of the fantasy.
Releasing the fantasy of a partner or relationship with 'potential' is akin to freeing yourself from the allure of a mirage in the desert.
It's recognizing that while the mirage may appear real from a distance, it dissipates upon closer inspection, leaving behind only barren reality.
Similarly, clinging to the illusion of potential in a relationship can blind us to the true nature of our connections, keeping us trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment.
By letting go, we clear the path for genuine connections based on reality rather than wishful thinking.
It's about embracing the present moment, acknowledging the qualities and dynamics of a relationship as they truly are, and making decisions rooted in authenticity and self-respect...
In doing so, we liberate ourselves to pursue connections that are grounded in mutual respect, compatibility, and shared values, leading to deeper and more fulfilling relationships.
Author: Jim Hall MS, is a Love Addiction Specialist, Relationship Coach, and Author. Work with Jim and discover tools and insight to help you heal - Love Addiction and Recovery Coaching
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